In this modern world, good manners have become a lost art. Here
are some tips to help you make the right impression in polite society:
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- When attending superficial, high-society dinner parties, always stab people in the
back with the third fork from the left.
- If you accidentally pass gas at a posh country-club golf course, look around bug-eyed
and loudly exclaim, "Did somebody step on a duck?"
- It is not considered necessary to send a formal thank-you letter upon receiving a
wedding gift from anyone who makes less than $70,000 a year.
- When fucking your hostess doggy-style, make sure you are not forcing her face into the
boeuf au poivre.
- At formal functions, it is customary to pass the dutchie from the left-hand side.
- Avoid talking politics in mixed company. You never know who might be a bleeding-heart
Jew liberal.
- If introduced to Her Majesty, the Queen Mother of England, make every effort not to
appear repulsed by the musky, overpowering stench that comes off her in palpable waves.
- It is permissible to include sporks in table settings at formal dinners. Curvy straws,
however, are unacceptable.
- An invitation for a young debutante to sit down should never be accompanied by
face-wiping motions and the words, "Let me clear off a place."
- Do not say "ain't." Say "ai not."
- At a formal dance or cotillion, asking a woman to dance should be followed by marriage
and the purchase of a home.
- When laying off more than 500 laborers from a manufacturing plant, it is considered
proper to make a perfunctory expression of regret to the press.
- For a black-tie event, dress casually but bring an African-American friend. Explain
that you thought the invitation said "black-guy" event.
- Though it has become common practice, it is impolite to wear a Walkman while wolfing
pussy.
- Always remember to serve from the left and clear from the right, or you're fired and
goodbye green card. Comprende, Paco?
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